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< > February 2007

• Tue, Feb 13, 2007 10:49 AM

  I have known, since the beginning of time, that the most difficult part of raising a child was going to be the comedy. For years, I worked with children, I knew I was supposed to be professional, yet I laughed.... I knew that laughing was paying attention to a behavior, yet because of who I am, because of the sick, sick humor that is within me, I laughed. And, while pregnant I cried, because I knew the biggest thing that would make me a "bad parent" would be my laughter, my sense of humor... my sick, wrong, evil sense of humor. Which, incidentally, is also one of my own favorite traits, but I've always known it would also be my downfall.
  
  So, tonight, I let the "rock star" (aka: short bus, pookie, goof monkey, Skinny Cousin, etc.) stay up late. Its Friday night... why don't we both dance till we're tired, then he can go to bed, and mommy can (FINALLY) watch Saw III. Good deal. Only, its not working out that way. Apparently a 2 1/2 year old isn't capable of doing that kind of math. Even after I said to him..."stop being silly and go to sleep" (those of you who have spent the night with me, and have said the same thing to me, totally understand where I'm at) yeah, he just laughed at me and tried to steal my nose. Darn kids.
  
  So, at 9.30 (an hour past his bedtime) I put him to bed, sit down next to him, put my head on his pillow, and the boy proceeds to eat my eyeballs. Seriously, pretends to pluck each one out, and go through the process of chewing (complete with squishy sound effects), then swallowing (complete with "gulp" and "ahhhh" sounds)... my eyeballs. Honestly, I've never taught him this... and I'm pretty sure he's never seen any zombie movies (I'm waiting till he's 5... then its tequila and zombies all night long). Oh no. He's come up with this on his own.... and... it was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen.
  
  So, if at two and a half, he's making b-movie sound effects, and eating my eyeballs... um... what exactly does his future look like? (not to mention mine)
  
  When I was sixteen I thought it was hilarious... the idea of what future generations would do to torment their parents... how "those kids" would have their rebellion.... ya know.... not so much anymore. Tattoos... bah... piercings... nothing... whatever.... eating my eyeballs at two... uh... I didn't even think about eating eyeballs till my late teens.... I'm screwed.

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